By Cynthia Germain

Writing is my creative outlet, as you might have guessed. And there have been times in my life when it has been therapeutic. This is one of those times with the loss of my father. I endeavor to write a series, length not known at this point, about the grief as I experience it as a caregiver. Like all of you, I have had loss of people in my life…a mother, two brothers, grandparents, other family members and certainly a handful of friends (live long enough, it will happen). I find, however, that losing someone who you have been a caregiver for is a very unique experience.

Along with the loss of the person, there are other losses too. This is what I have found, at least initially. First, there’s a loss of routine. When you caregive, you routinize activities to be sure that needs are met. As care ramps up, this structure allows you to balance, at least as best you can, time in the day. And suddenly, the days seem a little “floppy”. Second, there’s the loss of things to do. There’s a lot of “doing” when caregiving. As was the case with my father, the list of things to do get longer and perhaps a little more intense over the last months. And suddenly, there’s a whole lot less to do. Finally, there’s a loss that I find almost as profound as the loss of him. It’s the loss of giving in caregiving. When you tend to someone needs on a daily basis, there’s a piece of you that you give. Perhaps it’s the best part of you. And then suddenly, it’s gone too.

When I was in college, Kubler-Ross stages of grief was the gold standard. Although we knew that the stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance was not a linear process, or the stages even a requirement, it did give a framework to understand grief and perhaps help those who were grieving. Considering the layers of losses that come with caregiving, I’m not sure how well this model fits. This is what I intend to explore over the series. Since the loss of the person who was my father will certainly be a long process, I’ll start with the caregiving losses. As you know from previous articles, I like to provide practical tips on issues. So here’s some first thoughts, a plan for you and me, on the loss of routine.

• Start small new rituals. Add anchors into the day—maybe a morning walk, a few minutes of journaling or meditation, or even just making something refreshing at same time each afternoon.
• Repurpose caregiving habits. If you always checked in at a certain time of the day, keep that time as a personal check-in—stretch, breathe, or call a friend.
• Give space for rest. Not every blank hour is emptiness; some of it is well-deserved recovery.
• Be patient with the “floppy.” It takes time to reshape a day, and there’s no right pace for finding your new rhythm.

Grief, especially through the lens of caregiving, is layered and complicated. It’s not just about saying goodbye to the person you loved—it’s about adjusting to all the smaller goodbyes woven into daily life. Routine, tasks, the act of giving itself…each carries its own weight when it’s suddenly gone. My hope in sharing these reflections is that they might offer a bit of comfort or recognition if you find yourself on a similar path. This is just the beginning, and I’ll keep exploring these layers as the journey unfolds.